There was a time when I used to believe that in order to be happy I had to love others and they had to love me in return. I believed that if their love was unrequited then I was unworthy of any kind of love and therefore I was unhappy. I was unhappy for a very long time because I wasn’t taught what love was and I did not have the best examples in that department. It was not until I was 17 and my heart and all my efforts to make someone feel loved were shattered. I felt completely broken and lost as if I had wasted years of my life trying to get the acceptance and love of others when all I had to do was look into the mirror. If only I had known earlier that the acceptance and love I needed was that of my own. Giving someone that much control of your mental state and emotions, by making your happiness dependent upon their presence and actions, is never the best option. People are fluid meaning they aren’t permanent and are always growing and outgrowing things and others. If you allow your happiness to be controlled by that of another, you will never genuinely be happy because when they leave, they will leave with that part of you and you will feel broken and lost. Truth is they never had any part of you to begin with, you are whole all on your own and it is when you finally realise this, you will see how worthy you are and how worthy you have always been. It took me being treated as unworthy of one’s love to realise that the only person that could make me feel respected and adored was me. I was never unworthy of love, I was just seeking it in the wrong places. I came to the realisation that I was the only constant in my life, and if I accepted and loved myself I would be unstoppable. Since then I have never been happier and more at peace with myself and those around me. Your happiness lies within you and no one else. You can’t expect to find yourself in someone else because you won’t. Only you know your desires and needs, and only you can bring yourself the peace and ultimate happiness you were meant to have, you just have to believe in yourself. You are love, find the love you deserve within.

I forgive myself for accepting love that was less than what I deserved. I forgive myself for hurting all the people I have hurt. I forgive myself for thinking and speaking negative thoughts. I forgive myself for being selfish and ungrateful. I forgive myself for disliking others and treating anyone as less than they deserve to be treated. I forgive me for anything that might have been harmful in anyway to me or anyone around me. Forgiveness is a you thing which frees you, it almost has little to nothing to do with the other person. Forgiveness allows you to become liberated and in touch with your inner peace. I have been wronged by copious amounts of people and I have also wronged others. Forgiveness isn’t something done to please someone else. The ability to forgive requires great strength especially if the person you are trying to forgive is not and never will be sorry. I can’t imagine living a life in which all I had was hate in my heart towards something and someone that was beyond my control. The actions of others in no way reflects on you and your character. I repressed a lot of anger and sadness as a child and it wasn’t until I was forced to face my trauma that i realised the root of my pain. I had to forgive myself first before i could ever forgive another. I forgave myself for thinking I was the cause of my pain and anger. I forgave myself for allowing my pain and internal suffering to manifest into my loved ones’ lives. I forgave myself for allowing this hurt to control me and upon forgiving myself I learned how to forgive others. I learned how to forgive others not only for their peace of mind but to restore my love and inner peace. I forgave others because I remembered how I once needed the forgiveness from those whom I had hurt. I forgave others because as flawed as we all are, we are all we have. Forgiveness brought me to a place of happiness. Forgiving, especially those who will never be sorry, gave me the strength I needed to pull my self out of my mental rut. I am a better person for it and my ability to love has grown. Forgive for you, not anyone else. To love is to forgive and to forgive is to be free of all burden of hate, resentment, and suffering.

There is something major about romantic love that i cannot grasp or maybe it’s the fact that I have never seen anyone in my family express their love for someone without malicious intent. Angry parents often expressing their love after overreacting and doing something out of line and were in need of your understanding and forgiveness. A family member only telling you they love you due to your success in school and their burning desire to tweet or insta post your results to let everyone know that they have smart relatives and they too might be smart by association. Maybe my lack of respect for romantic love also stems from the copious amounts of cheating in my culture and the numerous ‘I love you’s that was thrown at their seemingly faithful partners. It might have been the college culture in which nobody wanted a serious relationship or the hurt high school boys that did not know any better but to project the hurt and trauma they went through on young girls. Maybe it would be better to blame absent fathers, not showing a daughter how she is to be loved, treated or respected by a man. Maybe the real problem is blaming others when the only persons responsible for our actions are ourselves. The only person that can change how we view the world, the only individual that can truly make something amazing out of all the trauma we have experienced is to be blamed. Maybe if we started blaming ourselves and evoked change within ourselves, then we could finally take control of our lives. If we stopped thinking about the hurt that has resulted from the past events but to own that hurt and trauma and become the best version of ourselves for ourselves. Maybe the answer lies within us, and the only way to truly have respect for romantic love and appreciate others in that aspect is to place our own limits on love. Disregard what we have observed as children and create our own boundaries and our own view of love. Maybe then the world will be a happier place where trauma is accepted and able to be healed so we can be survivors who are not tainted by our experiences. Maybe then I can say I love you to someone because i actually love them and not just to receive love i think i deserve. Maybe this is bigger than I am and the truth is i will never love and that’s that. All these possibilities but which answer leads to the greatest possibility. 

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

Why do this?

• Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
• Because it will help you focus you own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.

The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.

To help you get started, here are a few questions:

• Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
• What topics do you think you’ll write about?
• Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
• If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?

You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.

Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.

When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.